When Paul and I made the decision to relocate to the Midwest, we honestly didn't have any idea what we were getting ourselves into. We just figured that it'd be an interesting adventure for us and we were excited for the change.
But then, we got here.
The fantasy of moving definitely doesn't match up to reality. In reality, we live in a really small town, one that's smaller than the towns either one of us grew up in. The town doesn't offer a lot entertainment wise and if you want variety, you end up traveling up to 30 miles to reach it. And of course with living in a small town comes the cliquey feeling and the feeling that you're an outsider that they'd like to see leave. Couple that with the fact that Paul and I are an interracial couple and you've got one very difficult living situation.
But despite all of these things, if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I still would. I regret nothing and I'd rather be with Paul in a place we can't wait to get out of, than living back in NC with him in the Midwest by himself.
Today Paul left to go out of town for a week. It's a regular occurrence lately and even though I should be used to it, I found myself getting emotional about it. Each time he leaves, it reminds me of when we first began to date and how emotional I'd get back then. I didn't like leaving him and as much as I tried to not show him that, it was obvious to me that he felt the same way. There were a lot of late nights spent by the front door, both of us dragging our feet to say goodbye. I suppose the biggest thing that made Paul different to me was the fact that he seemed to want to know me completely. I had never had that before.
Before I met Paul, I was involved with a guy for three years. This guy was someone I had no business trying to be with and he wasn't worth the effort I put into trying to make it work. He played a lot of mind games with me and I can only half blame him because I knew what he was doing and I still kept going back. For 2 and a half of the 3 years I was involved with him, he had a steady girlfriend. I was the "other woman." But like any "other woman" will tell you, he wasn't being truthful with me. I heard all the classic lines, "You understand me and she doesn't." "I'm going to break up with her, I just need time." "I'm so confused, I don't know what to do." It was quite honestly one of the worst times in my life because I became so desperate to have him in any way that I could, that I began to take him in pieces. What little time I could have with him, I convinced myself that I was happy with that. It took a long time before I finally decided that I was better than the crap I was letting myself be put through. I ended things with him and I refused any contact with him. I had told myself that I was going to just heal my heart and learn to love me again. And then I met Paul.
Now I know that it is ridiculously nauseating when women go on and on about their boyfriends and if I were reading this, this would be the part where I'd start rolling my eyes. But the truth is that Paul came into my life and showed me what a real man was like, not a little boy pretending to be a man. Real mean tell you how they're feeling and they don't play games. It took Paul to help me understand that what I went through was not how relationships were supposed to go and it took Paul to let me know that not every guy I give my heart to will break it. If it's the right guy, he'll hold it and guard it with his life.
Now that's not to say that I wasn't terrified of my feelings for Paul in the beginning. He quite frankly, scared the hell out of me. In my mind, he was getting too close to me and in my experience, closeness led to heartache. So one night when we were watching a movie, I subconsciously started a fight with him. To this day, I don't even remember what it was about but I remember it was our first one. We were laying on his bed and I had my back to him, just fuming. He was quiet for a long time before he finally said to me, "I don't know why you're pushing me away but when you're done, I'll still be here." Needless to say that completely broke through my walls and I decided that I couldn't be afraid anymore, I had to let love in.
It's been almost 2 years since then and I'm glad everyday that I did. I know what you're thinking, "It's been 2 years, shouldn't you be past the gushing phase?" And I probably should but I never said Paul and I were normal. :-)
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